This blog is special because it is an attempt to weave two big roles I play in my life - being a mom and a facilitator....its funny, as I write this I realise how the precious word "being" appears and reappears in our lives and yet its depth eludes us.... I was curious to write this as I noticed that in so many of my conversations with peer facilitators I tend to mention how parenting has been such an influence in my facilitation practice and I wanted to really unpack what that meant....
So how has my parenting journey of the last 8 years impacted my facilitation?
1. It has strengthened my presence - As anyone playing with a child will tell you, they can smell distraction a mile away! My son can always tell when I am with him and yet not with him. It is very uncanny. Over the last few years especially I try and consciously transfer out whatever I was doing and transfer into the experience with him - whether it is a chat/ play/ dancing/ fooling around/ cooking/ constructing something together......I am slowly learning to put aside whatever was consuming my mind mostly worries about the past or the future and to focus just in those few wonderful moments that I have with him - could be even just 5 min! I think he also sees that when I am working, I am working. In lockdown, when I was cleaning, I was really cleaning. So when I need to work, he can see that I am fully engaged in my work and he trusts that when I am with him I will be fully engaged with him. The Plum Village app is a big family favourite and listening to their guided breathing audios are really helping my husband and me to be aware of whatever it is we are doing in the moment!
In my facilitation, I can now feel that when I am present, I am fully present. My whole being (body/ mind/ spirit/ emotion) is one with the space I am holding, I am aware and yet I am detached. I can see that I am better connected with the group and I am more willing to let go of my needs/ plans and do what is best suited to what is needed in the moment.
2. It's about the process not the outcome - I think our most memorable times together have been when we are fully engrossed in something we are making/ building/ creating...and the fun of figuring things out.... and it helps that many times I have no idea what output a set of cardboards will actually create! But we just get into the making and we build on each step, we explore what all could be possible....I love it when he says "Mama, I have an idea!", ah music to my years....how he figures out what to use and reuse the same thing for different things (our cycle pump morphs into a steering wheel in his pretend boat/ car/ plane!)... some things work some things don't and we figure out how to keep going...I realise how much he and I just enjoy the process and not just rushing to the outcome.....and then celebrating the outcome that comes!
3. Doing "nothing" is doing something - I think I never really enjoyed just doing "nothing" as much as I have with Ayan....the times we just sit in balcony and just look around, walking around in parks, watching the sky, the flowers, birds.....and just idling around....and its amazing how this "open space" really "opens up" so much inside organically.
In my facilitation, I have slowly also learnt to sit back and become more detached to my plan, my pace, my "personal opinions"....yes I do still feel anxiety when things are not going as per plan and there are moments of "freeze", I guess I am learning to become aware of these and wait just wait...the way forward emerges most often from the group itself.
4. Play is work - For adults we see play and work differently, but for children play is work. Ayan's focus as he is engaging in anything (what we call "play") is his work. He has his full attention in it and takes it very very seriously (ironically!). And then I question what is about "play" that is really different from what we see as "work"? I have come to realise that for me facilitation is my "play"...it is a place where I want to be creative, fun, take risks, learn from failure, and more importantly want to just keep playing!
5. Basics matter - a lot! Food, sleep, environment, movement - It was only doing pregnancy that I really became super conscious about my diet and that habit thankfully stuck! Luckily Ayan goes to a Waldorf learning space which places the child's overall state of health and well being at the centre.... it has made me realise even more how much are the basics important for our functioning and thriving on a day to day basis. Taking care of our diet, movement, moments of breathing in, being outdoors....all of that has helped me become a much better facilitator - and helped in being more grounded, in having more energy, in helping navigate all the emotions that come in holding spaces and in recovering energy and balance between holding spaces. Before Ayan we did not know many so many parks and open spaces that existed around us. Ayan's teachers also advise us to declutter the home environment - keep it simple and beautiful! And this ongoing decluttering has helped me also keep myself in a much more calm state (most of the times)!
So how has my parenting journey of the last 8 years impacted my facilitation?
1. It has strengthened my presence - As anyone playing with a child will tell you, they can smell distraction a mile away! My son can always tell when I am with him and yet not with him. It is very uncanny. Over the last few years especially I try and consciously transfer out whatever I was doing and transfer into the experience with him - whether it is a chat/ play/ dancing/ fooling around/ cooking/ constructing something together......I am slowly learning to put aside whatever was consuming my mind mostly worries about the past or the future and to focus just in those few wonderful moments that I have with him - could be even just 5 min! I think he also sees that when I am working, I am working. In lockdown, when I was cleaning, I was really cleaning. So when I need to work, he can see that I am fully engaged in my work and he trusts that when I am with him I will be fully engaged with him. The Plum Village app is a big family favourite and listening to their guided breathing audios are really helping my husband and me to be aware of whatever it is we are doing in the moment!
In my facilitation, I can now feel that when I am present, I am fully present. My whole being (body/ mind/ spirit/ emotion) is one with the space I am holding, I am aware and yet I am detached. I can see that I am better connected with the group and I am more willing to let go of my needs/ plans and do what is best suited to what is needed in the moment.
2. It's about the process not the outcome - I think our most memorable times together have been when we are fully engrossed in something we are making/ building/ creating...and the fun of figuring things out.... and it helps that many times I have no idea what output a set of cardboards will actually create! But we just get into the making and we build on each step, we explore what all could be possible....I love it when he says "Mama, I have an idea!", ah music to my years....how he figures out what to use and reuse the same thing for different things (our cycle pump morphs into a steering wheel in his pretend boat/ car/ plane!)... some things work some things don't and we figure out how to keep going...I realise how much he and I just enjoy the process and not just rushing to the outcome.....and then celebrating the outcome that comes!
3. Doing "nothing" is doing something - I think I never really enjoyed just doing "nothing" as much as I have with Ayan....the times we just sit in balcony and just look around, walking around in parks, watching the sky, the flowers, birds.....and just idling around....and its amazing how this "open space" really "opens up" so much inside organically.
In my facilitation, I have slowly also learnt to sit back and become more detached to my plan, my pace, my "personal opinions"....yes I do still feel anxiety when things are not going as per plan and there are moments of "freeze", I guess I am learning to become aware of these and wait just wait...the way forward emerges most often from the group itself.
4. Play is work - For adults we see play and work differently, but for children play is work. Ayan's focus as he is engaging in anything (what we call "play") is his work. He has his full attention in it and takes it very very seriously (ironically!). And then I question what is about "play" that is really different from what we see as "work"? I have come to realise that for me facilitation is my "play"...it is a place where I want to be creative, fun, take risks, learn from failure, and more importantly want to just keep playing!
5. Basics matter - a lot! Food, sleep, environment, movement - It was only doing pregnancy that I really became super conscious about my diet and that habit thankfully stuck! Luckily Ayan goes to a Waldorf learning space which places the child's overall state of health and well being at the centre.... it has made me realise even more how much are the basics important for our functioning and thriving on a day to day basis. Taking care of our diet, movement, moments of breathing in, being outdoors....all of that has helped me become a much better facilitator - and helped in being more grounded, in having more energy, in helping navigate all the emotions that come in holding spaces and in recovering energy and balance between holding spaces. Before Ayan we did not know many so many parks and open spaces that existed around us. Ayan's teachers also advise us to declutter the home environment - keep it simple and beautiful! And this ongoing decluttering has helped me also keep myself in a much more calm state (most of the times)!
6. Connection before communication - mostly all parenting resources I have read talk about this - you cannot get through to your child or make them understand unless you first feel a sense of connection with them. Kim Payne, who I admire a lot for his parenting advise talks about how a child is "disoriented" not "disobedient"! And this constant shift in perspective is what I am striving for in my day to day communication with Ayan. It is so easy to shift into a mode of "blame" and judgement - and much harder to have real empathy and see what is it that could be making him feel pain/ discomfort which is leading to behaviours that I am finding difficult. In the past 8 years, I feel I am practicing this day in and day out - and every such moment is an opportunity to pause, step back and change my perspective. Then it calms me and helps me think of what to say/ what to do that can help calm Ayan down! I cannot tell you how much this is helping me in my facilitation - I am someone who tends to get triggered a lot and easily too. It is easy to label a participant - he doesn't care, he is always like this, he does not get this...... much harder to just pause, step back and ask "what could be going on that may cause this behaviour" and "what am I doing/ can I do to support him/ her at this moment,..." and "what am I willing to let go"......
Mana, take a breath now! That felt good:)
I am sure the reverse is also true....being a facilitator has helped me become a better mom...and that is for another post:)
It is amazing once you think back and reflect how the various roles you play as a person impact each other....try it out!
